Words of Advice to the Male Population (or at least the portion that has, is, or will be sleeping with me)

1. Grow a Beard. Or don’t. But for the love of all things smooth and soft in this world, please mind your facial hair. Granted, I am partial to boys with beards (it’s my thing, don’t judge), but however you choose to upkeep your face you must heed this warning: do not come anywhere near my lady bits with any sort of shadow. I don’t care if it’s 5 o’clock or noon on the dot. Keep it away. It’s prickly. Uncomfortable. And can leave me sensitive for days. Also it puts me in an extremely difficult position of explaining to the next gentleman (with finely groomed facial hair, mind you) as to why I let a porcupine attack my vajayjay.

2. Don’t talk a big game if you don’t intend to back it up. I guarantee that I’ve never slept with a man that I haven’t properly vetted beforehand. I like to know what I’m getting myself into. Plus my particular brand of kink involves lots of dirty talk and tension building far before the main event. But that’s the thing: I don’t bullshit. And you shouldn’t either. If you tell me that you’re into hair pulling and multiple positions then I damn well expect to find your fists against my scalp and to be tossed around just a little. I’m not saying we don’t all embellish a little when recounting secret fantasies, but for goodness sake don’t talk up your sexual prowess and then lie there like a dead fish letting me do all the work. Ain’t nothing hot about that.

3.¬†Don’t fall of the face of the Earth. I’m a big girl. A big girl that likes sex just as much as you probably do. I am under no false assumptions that sex equals love, commitment, or even a second date. But the other things I like almost as much as sex are honesty, respect, and maturity. Trust me when I say that you aren’t breaking my heart if you tell me you want to leave it at sex and that’s all. Friends with benefits, if you will. Instead, it breaks my faith in humanity and kindness if you simply fade into the ether as if what we experienced never happened at all. Own your feelings/intentions and I vow to do the same.

4. My boobs are not your playthings. I like my boobs. Probably more than you do. They are a symbol of my womanhood and my sexuality. Touching them feels good…under the right circumstances. Touching them when we’re watching tv or cooking dinner or walking through the grocery store does absolutely nothing for me. In fact, the only thing it does is de-sexualize them during moments when we could both be deriving pleasure from their awesomeness. If you grabbed my boobs twice while we were watching Saturday Night Live, I’m pretty sure the effect will have worn off by the time we hit the mattress later that night. Caveat: doing this in a flirtatious manner in the hopes that it will lead to more totally doesn’t count.

5. Yes, you have to wear a condom. Can we all just agree to agree that the old, “but i can’t feel anything while wearing a condom,” line is bullshit? You can feel it, just as well as the last guy and every other guy after you. Does it feel better¬†without a condom? Probably. But trust me, the reason you can’t keep it up has zero to do with the latex barrier that is between us. The barrier that will protect me from any nastiness that might be harboring in your urethra. And also from adding “baby-momma” to my resume. It’s as easy as that: you either strap one on or you aren’t coming anywhere near me. Literally and figuratively. I know from experience that absolutely amazing sex can be had with a condom and if you don’t know that same thing then chances are you aren’t doing it right.