I have really been neglecting this here corner of the internet. But in response to your comments, emails, and texts I will gladly provide you with an update. Oh, who am I kidding? I have missed this space and I have missed you all! I guess I’ve just been a little…distracted. But I am back to regale you with another sordid story of my singledom and sluthood.
First, however, there is some business I must attend to. One of the reasons that I haven’t written in quite some time is due entirely to my big mouth. I just get so darn proud of myself for maintaining this blog. And I get a little braggy about all you wonderful people who still stop by to read what I have to say. And I then I like to tell people about it. Especially when I write something about them. So really I have no one to blame but myself (and snooping boys too, kind of) if I am unable to maintain my anonymity. That being said, The Actor knows about my blog and he even knows what it’s called, although he promised that he wouldn’t look it up. I know that if it were me, I would never-in-a-million-years have been able to keep that promise. He saw my phone and the separate email address I keep that is associated with this space. He asked me what in the world “Sub-Fertile Slut” is and I had to tell him the truth lest I come across looking like a total weirdo–as opposed to the sort of weirdo that I most definitely am.
I pretty much straight up told Mr. Professor about this space. I did not, however, tell him the name. In an attempt to tease him just a little, I told him that I had written about him on my blog and being the slightly vain guy that he is, he went Googling for it to no avail. At least not as of the last time we talked about it. It’s not that I really care if any of these men read what I have to say about them, it’s more that I don’t want them to read what I have to say about other men. And to complicate it even further, it’s not that I care if they know about the other men, it’s mostly that I don’t want to have to censor myself. So, that’s exactly what I am going to continue to do–I don’t really know any other way.
Also, The Actor and/or Mr. Professor (and you know exactly who you are), you should definitely say HI if you are reading this. I promise I will still continue to write about you, regardless.
Now back to regularly scheduled programming….also known as what’s been going through my head, but haven’t been writing about due to the above business matters.
I have a major crush. Even at the risk of sounding like a 14-year-old schoolgirl, I will admit the extent of this crush is truly major.
I have been spending a lot of time with Mr. Professor–quality time both in and out of the bedroom. But, there are two major problems:
1. I’m married. I set out on this whole adventure with the intentions of avoiding getting in a relationship and developing major feelings for any guy. I simply wanted to date and have glorious, glorious sex. And up until this point I have been quite successful in that endeavor. I deemed myself “emotionally unavailable” and made that clear to every guy that I have gone out with. I even told Mr. Professor up front that I could not and would not ever be able to be his girlfriend. This worked out nicely for the both of us because he is in a similar situation, which leads me to the next problem.
2. He has a girlfriend. They’ve been dating long distance for a few years (long distance as in she lives on the other side of the world) and a while ago they decided to open their relationship up in the physical sense. I don’t want to share too many details because that is his story to tell, not mine. But things haven’t been on the most solid of ground lately and they are trying to determine what their future holds, if anything at all. I know that he is absolutely heartbroken over this. I know it both because he told me and also because I am intimately familiar with those same feelings. In much the same way I did, he made it clear that he was “emotionally unavailable” and not looking to be anybody’s boyfriend. He even had to give a “I’m breaking up with you even though we were never really dating in the first place” speech to another girl that he was hooking up with because she was getting attached and wanted him as a potential boyfriend.
So, what’s a girl to do?
I really like him and I think he really likes me too. And I just don’t know what any of this means. Or even if it has to mean anything at all.
I find myself questioning my desire to be non-monogamous. Maybe I want to try my hand at having a boyfriend? Maybe I don’t. I really have absolutely no clue. The only things that I do know are the following:
- I like him.
- As soon as I leave him, I am already anticipating the next time I will see him again.
- I anticipate the above because our sexual chemistry is amazing, but I also crave just being around him.
- I get a slight twinge of jealousy when he causally mentions another girl he’s gone out with or is planning to go out with. I do the same thing though and I’d hate to think that I’m imposing a double standard.
- I think he’s incredibly hot.
- When we aren’t together we are constantly texting and emailing.
- I forget all about my marriage and The X when ever I’m around Mr. Professor. And sometimes even when I’m not.
- He makes me feel hope about a future beyond my marriage even if that future doesn’t include him.
- I now know what it feels like to be simply adored by a man.
- He calls me sweet pea. And I think it’s adorable.
- He likes my laugh, a trait I’ve always been self-conscious of.
- He’s a southern gentleman and I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for southern boys.
- He teaches me things–backgammon, new sex positions, and poetry–just to name a few.
- He is kind, intelligent, a good conversationalist, and open-minded.
- I don’t want to mess up what we currently have by mentioning that I might want something more. Especially because I’m not sure if I’d even be any good at that “something more.” Whatever that might be.
Part of me wishes that he would find this blog and read about what I am feeling–save me the anxiety of having this conversation face-to-face.
Part of me wishes he would just come out and tell me how he’s feeling even if those feelings are as complicated as my own.
Part of me wonders if I should say something, test the waters, as they say.
Part of me wonders if I should keep my big my mouth shut for once and maintain the status quo.
All of me hopes that he has feelings that at least somewhat resemble my own and that he would want to explore them together–both of us knowing full well that this would be a terrible idea, but one that is full of potential for greatness.