The Case of the Dating Doldrums

I’m feeling kind of blah towards dating right now.

I told The Ginger (who isn’t really a Ginger, but his beard is red) that I just wanted to be friends. I felt kind of bad about it. He just moved here a few months ago so he doesn’t have many friends, which explains why he was texting me constantly. He’s a super sweet guy, but I don’t find him terribly attractive. That, and the sex was mediocre. It wasn’t bad at all, but it wasn’t anything to write home (or my blog) about.

Frenchie is still around, but only every now and again. He’s a Quantum Physicist at a nearby prestigious university and he travels a lot. He goes all around the country and the world conducting research and giving lectures. I actually like that he travels so much because it helps keep things casual between us which is exactly what I’m looking for at this this point in time. Thus far, he wins the competition for the best date. He took me to this restaurant that I’ve wanted to try for a long time. It didn’t disappoint and neither did he. Afterward we checked out a couple bands a bar a couple doors down. Dinner and dancing gets me every time. Plus he has a knack for selecting the perfect background music for hooking up—a talent that is much appreciated by me.

The Actor is also still around, but I haven’t seen much of him lately. I had company in town for the past week and then I got sick so I’ve been avoiding him in an effort to not spread my germs. I think we’re supposed to hang out this weekend though. He is super sweet and affectionate—both of which I like.  However, every time we make out, I walk away looking like my face got in a fight with a porcupine. Not a pleasant sensation. We haven’t had sex yet, but I will say that he is AMAZING at other things and just leave it at that.

Obviously, I haven’t heard from Mr. Teacher since our awkward run in. I’m debating texting him just to see how he is doing, but I haven’t done it yet. I figure I will give it another two weeks and then see how I feel. I don’t want to come across as desperate, but I do want him to know that I’m still interested. I’ve yet to find where those two points meet. Honestly, I’m hoping that they meet at a point that scores me another date. Maybe more?

I think I’m experiencing a case of the Dating Doldrums.

I want to go out and meet new boys, but maybe I have unrealistic expectations. I want that WOW! factor. I want the butterflies and the feeling of anticipation for the next time I see him. Right now, no one really seems to be doing that for me. I want the desire to rip his clothes off and then stay in bed for hours just talking and getting to know each other. Does that even exist or is that just something I’ve invented in my head as a direct result of watching too many romantic comedies? Am I trying too hard? Or not enough?

I was warned that this dating thing wouldn’t turn out to be everything that it’s talked up to be. And I think I’m starting to get that. Each guy that I meet has so many great qualities, but none of them have everything that I’m looking for. Is it even possible to find everything that I’m looking for in one person? I am constantly comparing these men to my ex-husband. Not so much as people, but more so the dynamic between us. I mean, at one point I thought my ex-husband was the end-all, be-all. I did marry him, after all. I over-analyze the connection that I share with these boys. Could it be more? Should it be more? Are they just duds? Maybe I’m the dud?

Or is it simply a matter of time?

Perhaps that line I should be looking for isn’t the one between desperation and genuine interest, but rather the fine one between good and good enough.

I’m leading the crusade for the refusal to settle. But maybe, in a way, we all settle in the end. If I choose to throw that possibility out the window then I am left with two possibilities:

  1. I will be forever alone.
  2. I will find the man that is perfect for me.

I don’t think I’m quite ready to give up on my quest for the latter option. In the meantime, I suppose I will just bask in the depths of my doldrums knowing full well that what goes down must come up. So what if that statement defies the laws of gravity. I’m the one making up the rules now.

(click photo for source)

(click photo for source)


14 thoughts on “The Case of the Dating Doldrums

  1. I won’t lie, I was really excited when I saw you on my reader–I’ve missed you, lovely!
    Don’t give up on the thought that your perfect man is out there! He is there and he will be worth the wait. I know you said you used OkCupid, but I know quite a few people who had a lot of luck on Match. One of my good friends said it was the best $50 she has ever spent. Maybe worth a try?

    • I have missed you too!! I’m trying to get back into the swing of things. It’s weird not counting CD anymore. Some days actually mean nothing to me which somehow translates to having nothing to write about. But I’m working on it 🙂

  2. It sounds kind of exciting to me =P But life is “always greener” isn’t it? All that SEX! I am so freaking envious!! 🙂 seriously.
    After leaving a marriage though, I think it would be normal to question all of these relationships, and wonder why things don’t “feel right.” I also feel like maybe you’ll be even pickier this time around (I think that would happen to me). Maybe not though. Now you’re a totally grown woman who knows what she wants, so different than being in our 20’s. I think in some ways that makes it harder to find a match… we’re already so set in our ways and expectations. *shrug* I hope a newbie sparks your interest though. Looking forward to hearing about it.

  3. I’m certainly no expert on dating, but my experience has been that 1) there’s no such thing as the perfect match and 2) it’s not ok to settle. Searching for #1 or resigning yourself to #2 are paths to misery, in my opinion. The good news is, I think there’s something in between perfection and settling, and it’s a pretty good place to be if you can find yourself there.

  4. No no no no no, missy, you will not settle. Only the best for you. and by that I mean the best, not Mr Perfection because you know what they say about men who are perfectly lovely and funny and nice and charismatic? They’re serial killers. And why the rush? You are young and cute and have plenty of time to keep dating and find the best man for you. And you get to have a whole lotta fun in the meantime!

  5. Definitely do not settle! That being said, it’s nearly impossible to find someone who doesn’t have SOMETHING that annoys you. I mean, we’re all human, right? But as long as that something isn’t a deal breaker, I don’t consider that settling. I swore up and down that I would never seriously date a smoker. And then I fell in love with one. And married him. Thank god he has since quit, but, you know… there’s that.

    Also, the sex and then hours of talking in bed and then more sex. It exists. Trust me. (In my case, not so much anymore – ha! – but in the early months! 😉 )

    • Ugh, I guess that’s what I’m truly longing for….a connection. It doesn’t have to last forever. In fact, I would prefer that it didn’t. But a genuine connection would be nice, whether it be through sex or talking. It happens in all kinds of ways 🙂

  6. I guess I’m confused as to why you need the “perfect man” right now? I mean, you just got divorced and from the sounds of it, you’re not looking for anything serious with all the casual hook-ups.

    Honestly, I am not one to judge. But I noticed my most special and significant relationships were ones that started out maybe with a friendship, or at least without putting sex into the mix at first.

    • I don’t think I said anything about needing the “prefect man” right now. I was simply expounding upon my thoughts as to whether one exists or not. And as to what my future might hold.

      It’s so true. I am loving the casual hook-ups, but I’m constantly thinking about the future and where that might lead me, as well. I like to look at life from every angle. There is a spectrum between one-night stand and husband material. I was merely speculating on where the happy medium for me is. At least for right now.

      Also, sex is awesome. I make no apologies for that.

  7. My advice, keep the actor for fun. my experience is actors are trouble! I agree with the other comments, perfection is unlikely but settling unacceptable. I have a feeling when it is right you will just know, I know that sounds like a cliche. With Remus I did just know. It was very obvious very early on that this was a different kettle if fish.

  8. Here’s my advice for dating (I can’t remember if I’ve told you already or not) but go full force and when it gets dull, just stop. Stop for a month. Hang with your girlfriends, COME SEE ME! Then you’ll get all fired up and ready to have some fun again with new men! I went through maybe 5 or 6 dating breaks after my divorce and they were good for the soul. xoxo

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