“They Slipped Briskly into an Intimacy From Which They Never Recovered.” -F.S.F.

I removed the password from my previous post. I had locked it up because I didn’t want Mr. Professor reading it just in case he somehow stumbled upon my blog. But I ended up biting the bullet and telling him pretty much everything anyway, so now he can feel free to read whatever he wants.

We are both very well aware that the other is still dating other people. In fact, we often discuss our dates and interactions with those other people. Well, if I’m being honest, we talk about how much those other people suck as dates and all the things that are wrong with them. I actually can’t recollect a time when either of us has spoken promisingly about another date that we met or sex that we had. Then last week Mr. Professor emailed me a copy of an email he sent to a girl with whom he was planning to go out with that Saturday. He sent it to me because he thought I would find its contents funny–and I did. But I also felt something else that I wasn’t expecting to feel: jealousy.

I was jealous that he would be spending his Saturday night with her and not with me. I was also jealous because I knew she had to travel a long distance and would likely be spending the night at his place–something I’ve yet to be invited to do (more on that in a minute). So, I did what I knew was the right thing to do. I sent him the following email:

I can’t believe that I’m writing this and actually going to send it….

I think I need to take a break from hanging out with you. Or you might want to take a break from hanging out with me after reading this. Either that, or you just need to talk me down from my ledge :) As I’m sure you know, I can get a little over dramatic and over analytical. I’m hoping (since you are the one with all the experience in these matters) that you can tell me that it’s totally normal to feel this way given our situations. The sex is fantastic and I surely know that I would miss that. But I think that I might be enjoying your company a little too much. No man has made me laugh in some time in the same way you do. Or appreciated my body. Or cooked for me. Or engaged me in interesting conversation. Or made me feel so comfortable being me. Or called me out on my bs (even if that bs is just that I’m way too nice!) Or made me anticipate the next time I get to see him. There have been other men who have made me feel those things to a degree, but it’s always proven to be fleeting.

And I certainly haven’t spent entire Sundays with a man (since I was married) like the two that we previously spent together. And the sex…I believe it was episode 4 of that day :) The one you said was “special,” felt a little too “special.” Not because I didn’t like it, I very much enjoyed the intimacy, but because I know that isn’t a kind of intimacy that you can spare. I’m a little worried that it freaked you out. I’ve never done this kind of thing before–it’s a very new experience for me. I don’t know what’s right, wrong, normal, or abnormal and I don’ want to say or do the wrong thing…something I am quite prone to doing.
I know very well what your situation is and I have so much respect for that–enough respect that I feel telling you this is the right thing to do even though it sucks for me. You girlfriend is truly a lucky woman to have a guy who is so committed to her and so obviously loves her. I totally understand your desire to continue making that relationship work and admire your drive to do so.

And as much as I have told myself that this is working as is because you and I are in very similar situations, the more I think about it, we are actually in two entirely different situations. I have a relationship that is beyond repair and is ending. You have a relationship that you are very much still invested in. When I set out on this endeavor I told myself, you, and every other guy I’ve met that I’m not emotionally in a place where I can get involved. However, as time goes on I am starting to realize that while it may be hard at times, I might actually be ready to start opening my heart up to that again. This is not to say that I want that from you, I’m not asking for anything more. I just didn’t want to deceive you.

Really, I should be thanking you for that. Over the last 6 weeks, as I’ve gotten to know you, I’ve learned that it really isn’t that difficult to do once you find someone that you connect to on levels other than and including sexually.

Wow, that was a massive brain dump. Sorry to pile it on you. Ideally, I’m hoping that everything can stay exactly as it between us right now, but that I can alleviate the guilt (not sure if that’s the right word) over feeling this way when I know exactly what your situation is. I just felt that I owed it to you and your relationship to tell you this. And I didn’t want to be on the receiving end of the “i’m breaking up with you even though we weren’t really dating” conversation.

I know this is a conversation probably best had face-to-face or via the telephone, but I wanted to throw it out there. But if you want to talk about it, then that’s fine too. I’m pretty sure you know how to reach me :)

xo

Normally, I wouldn’t post his actual response verbatim (because those aren’t my words to share), but I really need your advice and I don’t think my paraphrasing would do this situation any justice. So here is how he responded:

Email was just fine. I think I knew this is where you were getting. The facts that you know that about yourself, and that I felt attuned to it is just proof of why I’m attracted you, and why we enjoy one another the way we do, respectively.

For my part, I think I do need to take a break from the intensity of you. I realized that in the past few days when it dawned on me exactly how much emotional time you take up for me: I have to recover from the intimacy we share. While in fact I have no idea whether I have any future with my girlfriend, I am not ready to put myself in the position that is…. just below the ledge where you described yourself–but I think I’m there, too.

For the record, I think we’re fucking awesome for recognizing this, and I think you’re fucking awesome for saying it so clearly. And I think that awesomeness should make this easy and not hard. 

Also, I think we should still fuck… fairly hard… on a to-be-determined but perhaps-less-continuous basis.

We can talk about it later but just wanted to give these first thoughts.
xo

Then we pretty much agreed to see less of each other. But over the last week since this email exchange, we’ve texted, emailed, or talked on the phone every single day even if it was just to say hi or to say ‘I’m thinking of you.’We did hang out last night…sex, grabbed some dinner, shared an ice cream, talked, laughed, cuddled. The usual. It was great and didn’t feel awkward at all after the conversation that we had. But he did say that we shouldn’t have sex for a third time that night because it would be “crossing the intimacy line” with a smile on his face. I guess that’s the arbitrary line that he’s drawn when really, the other things we did we equally as intimate as the sex…..

Now these are the possibilities that are playing out in my head:

1. We both really like each other and are scared of what that means in regards to what we thought our futures would look like. We both love someone else and this is just a case of bad timing.

2. I’m just being dumb and setting myself up for heartbreak. He knows how I feel about him and  I know how he feels about me, yet we can’t be together and we don’t want to be apart.

3. Sometimes I think it’s just for the sex, but both of us are more than capable of meeting and having great sex with other people–so why do we continue to do this to each other?

4. Maybe it just needs more time to play out. Maybe I’m over-thinking it. Maybe it just is exactly what it appears to be–two people who like each other and have great sex. Why does it have to be more or labeled as such?

5. I’m in way over my head and I need to run get out now and never look back.

6. I’m just being paranoid. I know (from what he’s told me) that he is often brutally honest with girls who end up liking him or wanting more from him. He hasn’t even remotely drawn that line yet. And, damn, I know I’m good in bed, but I can’t possibly be that good that he would overlook those things just to continue having sex with me :)

I hate this….guessing game. I have never been a good mind reader.

HELP?!?!?

10 thoughts on ““They Slipped Briskly into an Intimacy From Which They Never Recovered.” -F.S.F.

  1. I really think, and hope for you that it is, #1. It seems that if he were not interested in pursuing a deeper relationship with you further, he would not continue to reach out knowing how you feel. This is such a tricky situation though. I’ve never dated in my life so I’m not exactly an expert on this, but the circumstances where I met my husband were similar. We were both in serious LTRs and mine was falling apart. We agreed to just have fun, but it escalated quickly and we ended up going for it because we connected so well.

    Also, as a side note…4 times in the same day?! Get it, girl!

    • Well, that does give me hope :) I think I really just need to stop over-thinking this. I mean, the worst thing that happens is that my heart gets broken, but the risk might just be worth that.

      And yes, 4 times :) Seriously, I can’t get enough of him.

  2. This situation would confuse the hell out of me, too. I’m probably wasting your time by even commenting, because I just really don’t know what the best advice is. All I can really suggest is to keep close tabs on what you’re feeling, particularly in how attached you think you’re getting to him. I’m the type of person who guards her heart very carefully, so my inclination would be to proceed with caution and to always be on the look out for signs that I need to protect myself from hurt. But I think you may be made of tougher stuff than me.

    I don’t know. I’m useless when it comes to relationship/dating advice. But I hope you get some clarity soon!

    • You are never wasting my time!! Thank you for your advice, I like to pretend that I guard my heart very carefully, but the truth is I’m so careless with it. But I like to think that’s one of my better traits. Who knows???

  3. Oh boy…here’s my worry about all of it. Mr. Professor sounds like a great guy, but he also sounds like he will never be up for any kind of commitment. He is long distance dating someone across the world while seeing others. He kind of sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. He can date/sleep with other women (including you), but he has this vague “girlfriend” that allows him to keep other women at a distance.

    I also think that it’s a little weird that you discuss other dates/sex with each other. I get that you also might be emotionally unavailable, but it certainly sounds like you are maybe, just maybe, starting to think about having feelings for him. With him drawing the boundary of “oh we can only have sex twice but not three times” he gets to control everything.

    I don’t know….my gut is telling me that you are going to get hurt. I’m not sure if this comment is helpful at all, but from what you have told us, I think that you are going to develop strong feelings for him and he is going to eventually push you away.

    • I really, really appreciate your advice, Lady! I need to hear it even if it doesn’t quite sink in yet, but I am thinking you might be right. However, I can help but think “what if?” I’d surely kick myself if I weren’t willing to take a risk even if that meant getting hurt in the end. It’s not like I’m in love with him, so the hurt wouldn’t be as bad as it could be….I’m suck a jerk–so good at asking for advice but so bad at actually taking it. Please know that I am taking it to heart. xoxo

      On a side note, I’m pretty sure him drawing that boundary was just a joke :)

    • Oy. I mean no disrespect by writing this and you KNOW I love you girl, but I must say I agree with nonsequitur. I am in agreement because I have been in virtually identical scenarios before I met Hubs and try as I might to go with the flow, be casual, etc, it did not work and ended in a lot of tears and heartbreak for me. I feel protective of you because I still remember what those relationships felt like in the end, but i know that this experience you’re having is also part of your journey. For what its worth, try as i might, i could never quite get the ellusive guy to want me in the way that a guy who is in love with me wanted me. In a sick way, that was part of what made things sexually exciting. In hindsight I know that the reason I was caught in the cycle of the push pull cycle of having the most fun, laughter, great sex, connection with a guy who couldn’t fully commit was because I couldn’t handle that level of commitment either. In my completely honest opinion his email reads to me like someone who is very content keeping things pretty casual for the near and distant future… yet likes the perks of sleeping with you. I think its awesome that you’re having amazing sex and connection with tjis guy, and if you can fully embrace that he will not commit to you (possibly ever) then i say have a ton of fun with him. Its hard when you feel the jealousy, though! The best sex I ever had has not been with my husband (shhh!) But I also didn’t sob myself to sleep wondering if husband would ever see how special I was, change his mind, and commit to me. Its been my experience that guys who want to be exclusive with you will drop everything to do so, regardless of a long distance girlfriend.

  4. Long time reader, first time poster. Wow is all I can say! I have an amazing husband, but these sexual filled posts are making miss my college days! Sounds like a good problem to have, amazing sex AND an amazing connection? But I guess this in of itself is causing the difficult situation you are in now. My opinion (for what it is worth) is if a guy wants to be with you, he will do everything he can so that he CAN be with you. Especially at this stage of life. I think nonsequitur was dead on. My advice would to be tread lightly…

    • Hey Sarah! Thanks for being a long time reader, but I’m even happier that you’re a first time poster! And yes, it is a good problem to have, which is exactly why I think I should probably stop rocking the boat. And you are right that a guy should do everything he can if he wants to be with you, but maybe that’s just simplifying the problem too much. After all, we are adults with LOTS of baggage and that can take time to sort through. And I also can’t help but look at it from the opposite perspective–shouldn’t I, too, be doing everything I can if I want to be with him? I think I might just need to chill out a little and just let it be–enjoy it for the amazing sex and connection that it is :) Just writing that out gave me something to think about, so thanks!! I hope to hear from you again!

  5. Yes. I mean, no. What? Four times in one day? i can’t even think right now, you have stuffed up my whole day. Whoa. Anyway. Little lady, you know very well that this man is a heartbreaker and you deserve to have a lot of fun with him. but I think you also realise that the time will come to walk away from his bed for the last time to go off and find someone more permenant. At the start of your blog, you said that you wanted to re-define and explore your own labels – such as that of being a sub-fertile slut – and what they all mean to you… and… well… isn’t’ that what you’re doing right now? No one said it would be easy. And it coudl end in heartbreak. but you are having fun? That woudl be my benchmark. As long as it’s fun, then why the hell not.

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