I removed the password from my previous post. I had locked it up because I didn’t want Mr. Professor reading it just in case he somehow stumbled upon my blog. But I ended up biting the bullet and telling him pretty much everything anyway, so now he can feel free to read whatever he wants.
We are both very well aware that the other is still dating other people. In fact, we often discuss our dates and interactions with those other people. Well, if I’m being honest, we talk about how much those other people suck as dates and all the things that are wrong with them. I actually can’t recollect a time when either of us has spoken promisingly about another date that we met or sex that we had. Then last week Mr. Professor emailed me a copy of an email he sent to a girl with whom he was planning to go out with that Saturday. He sent it to me because he thought I would find its contents funny–and I did. But I also felt something else that I wasn’t expecting to feel: jealousy.
I was jealous that he would be spending his Saturday night with her and not with me. I was also jealous because I knew she had to travel a long distance and would likely be spending the night at his place–something I’ve yet to be invited to do (more on that in a minute). So, I did what I knew was the right thing to do. I sent him the following email:
I can’t believe that I’m writing this and actually going to send it….
I think I need to take a break from hanging out with you. Or you might want to take a break from hanging out with me after reading this. Either that, or you just need to talk me down from my ledge :) As I’m sure you know, I can get a little over dramatic and over analytical. I’m hoping (since you are the one with all the experience in these matters) that you can tell me that it’s totally normal to feel this way given our situations. The sex is fantastic and I surely know that I would miss that. But I think that I might be enjoying your company a little too much. No man has made me laugh in some time in the same way you do. Or appreciated my body. Or cooked for me. Or engaged me in interesting conversation. Or made me feel so comfortable being me. Or called me out on my bs (even if that bs is just that I’m way too nice!) Or made me anticipate the next time I get to see him. There have been other men who have made me feel those things to a degree, but it’s always proven to be fleeting.
And I certainly haven’t spent entire Sundays with a man (since I was married) like the two that we previously spent together. And the sex…I believe it was episode 4 of that day :) The one you said was “special,” felt a little too “special.” Not because I didn’t like it, I very much enjoyed the intimacy, but because I know that isn’t a kind of intimacy that you can spare. I’m a little worried that it freaked you out. I’ve never done this kind of thing before–it’s a very new experience for me. I don’t know what’s right, wrong, normal, or abnormal and I don’ want to say or do the wrong thing…something I am quite prone to doing.I know very well what your situation is and I have so much respect for that–enough respect that I feel telling you this is the right thing to do even though it sucks for me. You girlfriend is truly a lucky woman to have a guy who is so committed to her and so obviously loves her. I totally understand your desire to continue making that relationship work and admire your drive to do so.
And as much as I have told myself that this is working as is because you and I are in very similar situations, the more I think about it, we are actually in two entirely different situations. I have a relationship that is beyond repair and is ending. You have a relationship that you are very much still invested in. When I set out on this endeavor I told myself, you, and every other guy I’ve met that I’m not emotionally in a place where I can get involved. However, as time goes on I am starting to realize that while it may be hard at times, I might actually be ready to start opening my heart up to that again. This is not to say that I want that from you, I’m not asking for anything more. I just didn’t want to deceive you.
Really, I should be thanking you for that. Over the last 6 weeks, as I’ve gotten to know you, I’ve learned that it really isn’t that difficult to do once you find someone that you connect to on levels other than and including sexually.
Wow, that was a massive brain dump. Sorry to pile it on you. Ideally, I’m hoping that everything can stay exactly as it between us right now, but that I can alleviate the guilt (not sure if that’s the right word) over feeling this way when I know exactly what your situation is. I just felt that I owed it to you and your relationship to tell you this. And I didn’t want to be on the receiving end of the “i’m breaking up with you even though we weren’t really dating” conversation.
I know this is a conversation probably best had face-to-face or via the telephone, but I wanted to throw it out there. But if you want to talk about it, then that’s fine too. I’m pretty sure you know how to reach me :)
Normally, I wouldn’t post his actual response verbatim (because those aren’t my words to share), but I really need your advice and I don’t think my paraphrasing would do this situation any justice. So here is how he responded:
Email was just fine. I think I knew this is where you were getting. The facts that you know that about yourself, and that I felt attuned to it is just proof of why I’m attracted you, and why we enjoy one another the way we do, respectively.
For my part, I think I do need to take a break from the intensity of you. I realized that in the past few days when it dawned on me exactly how much emotional time you take up for me: I have to recover from the intimacy we share. While in fact I have no idea whether I have any future with my girlfriend, I am not ready to put myself in the position that is…. just below the ledge where you described yourself–but I think I’m there, too.
For the record, I think we’re fucking awesome for recognizing this, and I think you’re fucking awesome for saying it so clearly. And I think that awesomeness should make this easy and not hard.
Also, I think we should still fuck… fairly hard… on a to-be-determined but perhaps-less-continuous basis.
We can talk about it later but just wanted to give these first thoughts.
Then we pretty much agreed to see less of each other. But over the last week since this email exchange, we’ve texted, emailed, or talked on the phone every single day even if it was just to say hi or to say ‘I’m thinking of you.’We did hang out last night…sex, grabbed some dinner, shared an ice cream, talked, laughed, cuddled. The usual. It was great and didn’t feel awkward at all after the conversation that we had. But he did say that we shouldn’t have sex for a third time that night because it would be “crossing the intimacy line” with a smile on his face. I guess that’s the arbitrary line that he’s drawn when really, the other things we did we equally as intimate as the sex…..
Now these are the possibilities that are playing out in my head:
1. We both really like each other and are scared of what that means in regards to what we thought our futures would look like. We both love someone else and this is just a case of bad timing.
2. I’m just being dumb and setting myself up for heartbreak. He knows how I feel about him and I know how he feels about me, yet we can’t be together and we don’t want to be apart.
3. Sometimes I think it’s just for the sex, but both of us are more than capable of meeting and having great sex with other people–so why do we continue to do this to each other?
4. Maybe it just needs more time to play out. Maybe I’m over-thinking it. Maybe it just is exactly what it appears to be–two people who like each other and have great sex. Why does it have to be more or labeled as such?
5. I’m in way over my head and I need to
run get out now and never look back.
6. I’m just being paranoid. I know (from what he’s told me) that he is often brutally honest with girls who end up liking him or wanting more from him. He hasn’t even remotely drawn that line yet. And, damn, I know I’m good in bed, but I can’t possibly be that good that he would overlook those things just to continue having sex with me :)
I hate this….guessing game. I have never been a good mind reader.